“the best beating of 2013″

Pallas and I finally have our play date in December. I feel “toppy” towards him, but am terribly shy about it. Not exactly the headspace a hot domme is supposed to be in.

The Citadel is actually located in a terrible part of SF – the Tenderloin. Pallas and I sneak out onto the fire escape and find ourselves overlooking a… well, a big pit of trash and junk. Seriously. I could see rats scurrying around below us. it’s the refuse of a metropolis and vaguely, gothically romantic.

Pallas lights my cigarette for me and sits below me on the fire escape. I take my time, savoring. Every few minutes I gently tap the ashes into Pallas’ open, willing mouth. He swallows obediently. It’s incredibly sexy. I am touching his face, my fingers wandering the edges of his cheekbones, the curve of his jaw, the back of his skull. Blue smoke curls around us.

i slowly, carefully, roll the red cherry ember of my cigarette out against Pallas’ tongue. A puff of air escapes me – I did not realize I’d been holding my breath.

Later, inside the dungeon, Pallas teaches me how to hurt him. He is helpful, instructive, gentle, and doesn’t trample on my budding top side. Rather, he coaxes it out, using himself as the bait.

Master’s Den

Last December, Helo and I went to Master’s Den, a play party at the Citadel. It’s a specific party designed to celebrate the male Dom/female sub dynamic. Neither Helo nor or I are entirely comfortable with those terms, (Helo will jokingly refer to me as his “property,” and lovingly call me his kitty. I never refer to myself as “submissive” and Helo doesn’t think identity is useful, he often says, “I’m a Helo!” whenever people ask him “what” he is), however we generally fit the bill, even though our D/s dynamic is less-than-traditional (though deliciously traditional in other ways).

Anyway, despite our vague discomfort, there we were. A man I’d been on a date with that summer was also there. We’d talked about doing a schoolgirl scene a number of times but I was never quite able to commit (I hadn’t quite developed the skill to say no, directly). He waits until Helo steps away to get us some water, then swoops in and starts making out with me and touching me. It’s a little awkward, especially as this event is all about the D/s relationship between a couple. A definite case of Athena needing to develop better boundaries, and get better at expressing them, too. This has actually been a running theme since I debuted in the kink scene, will write more on that topic later.

I am wearing a white collared shirt and little red plaid skirt, Helo is wearing all black (sexy! but I think he’s sexy in everything). I feel like our “colors” are muted, somehow, maybe the energy of the venue, or the subdued nature of many of the attendees or the confinement of the role/gender structures. I straddle Helo’s lap and we cuddle and make out, which I like. Eventually, we end up doing a ridiculous(ly hot) yoga scene, much like the one we did here. It was fun, and I remember feeling very exposed, and feeling bad that I couldn’t take more. Helo tells me I did a fine job. I can never take as much in public as I can at home. Oh well. That’s what the Stick is for.

I guess the reason I was thinking about this is because it strikes me as a time that Helo and I (usually comfortable in almost any environment) felt out of place, most likely because we were forced into more rigid roles than we typically like. This has been a running theme and an idea that has continued to be present in my life… one that I think I’d like to deliberately play with.

-Athena

Athena, Helo, and the Stick.

Helo has the uncanny ability to make just about anything sexy. He tolerates my jealousy of his spanking/discipline sessions with other women with the air of a confused parent.

I hate my jealousy. i struggle to get past it. I know it’s irrational but I so strongly equate my whippings with our ritual that it feels like a breach for him to share that with others. Of course, Helo’s intrigued by my intense dislike of his (admittedly rare) play dates with other women. Like any sadist worth his salt, Helo wants to play with my discomfort. For every beating he gives to someone else, I get one after her. And sometimes one before, too. “Harder, more,” I request. He tells me he expects “his wife” to take more. See? Hot.

The landlady has requested that our amorous adventures be quieter, which means, sadly, no more leather strop – but fortunately the vicious wooden paddle must go, too. It leaves us with very few options and Helo, as he is wont to do… gets creative. What this does leave us with are the quiet, stingy canes.

Very early on in our relationship, my ass (or Helo’s swing) broke the normal rattan cane we’d been using. Helo produces a much thicker and stricter looking implement – a “dragon cane.” I could take a lot of the previous cane – this one has me crying after the third stroke. Three of twenty, mind you. It’s very heavy. Helo corrects me… it is “persuasive.” This cane quickly becomes the household stick.

Pallas.

(Written in December 2013)

After fetfest, I want to expand beyond TNG – it will always be my homebase but I want some variety in my life. I go to the monthly DO happy hour in Albany and meet Pallas. There is something timeless about Pallas and I leave feeling like I only saw the tip of the iceberg. A man dark with secrets but bright with life and charisma.

If my life weren’t full to the brim I think Pallas could be a significant chapter of it. Even so, I am drawn to him. the curse of my life – I don’t have time.

A few days later he texts me, “I have a proposition for you.” He asks me to MOD at his upcoming convention in November. he is sure of me when I am not. I tell him I’ll think about it. “You’ll say yes,” he says. I love confident men. I say yes.

I see Pallas once more before the convention. I bum a cigarette from somebody and smoke it slowly, like candy. Pallas joins me outside. I have another friend with me and we talk about kink, poly, relationships. Pallas is fascinated by my smoking and reveals a fantasy around it. I’m instantly intrigued and aroused, though we don’t get to play it out for a few months after.

More about Pallas soon.

Poly (un)Perfect

Sometimes polyamory is wonderful. Sometimes it is about love and sex and hot tubs and meeting your metamours. Sometimes it’s about kissing people when you feel like it, and that not only being okay, but hot.

I talk a lot about the great parts of polyamory, and kink. You see it all over my blog. But the truth is that life is life, and sometimes people make mistakes, and sometimes the timing doesn’t work out, and sometimes people change. And sometimes that shit hurts.

Sometimes polyamory is about not being able to reconcile schedules. Sometimes it’s about drifting away from some people and closer to others. Sometimes time management just fucking fails. Sometimes I am afraid to kiss someone because I don’t want to make a partner jealous or uncomfortable, and instead of talking that out, I just avoid it altogether. Sometimes I run when I shouldn’t. Sometimes I don’t speak up when I should. Sometimes I feel rejected. Sometimes I feel jealous. Sometimes I feel alone.

I actually feel alone a lot more than you’d probably think.

Sometimes polyamory means I pressure myself to look perfect. For my relationships to look perfect, from the outside and inside. There’s no room for mistakes for Athena, because that means the vanilla world might see polyamory as problematic. I’ve spent the past ten years of my life being a social advocate for ethical non-monogamy. I deeply, truly, believe that it is a viable relationship structure.

But I gotta tell you, I’m only feeling marginally polyamorous at the moment. I am probably polyfidelitous as I’ve suspected all along, but even that I sometimes doubt. Yes. I doubt. It hurts to admit that. I’m scared to admit that. There are times when I question what the fuck I’m doing.

But this is real. these are real people, real lives. just like any monogamous relationship, polyamorous relationships have their fluctuations. I need to let myself accept that. I suspect that the only person expecting perfection from me…is me.

-Athena

 

families

I visit my family. They ask my sister how her boyfriend is. No one asks about my partners.

I go to see my cousin play at a bar in the Haight. Helo accompanies me, he dances with another woman in front of the stage. I am holding my drink, smiling. My uncle leans over and says, “So is this what polyamory is all about?” I can’t tell if he’s being snide or sincere. Either way, my answer is, “yes, definitely.”

Sharon buys a small leather strap to hurt me with. I shiver in delight, I love leather. The next day she emails me a photo – the tables have turned!

Chief and I kiss in the kitchen. And then again. I mouth his shirt. “You smell different.” He shrugs. “New detergent?” “Ah.”

Gaius goes to a wedding with Cally, her mother’s second marriage. Gets a call that makes him think a funeral is not far away for his family.

I go to a wedding with Helo. I don’t know hardly anyone and his ex (my semi-metamour) doesn’t want me meeting all their friends. Helo and I dance, drink, laugh, and chase toddlers. During the reception we sneak away and skinny dip in the resort’s hot tub. We miss the cake. No one catches us.

I pull together a bar crawl with some kink-friends, days after returning from vacationing with Samuel. I am grateful when so many people make it out. I feel a sense of joy, something clicking into place, as we troll the Mission looking for a new venue (and find a great place).

Maya and I have sushi for lunch. I watch her pack for her move. I drag Maya to sushi again next week. She is one of the strongest people I have ever met. 

Gaius and Chief go to bed at 1:30; Athena’s bedtime is hours before that. I get tired of falling asleep alone, so I cross the bridge. Helo falls asleep before I get to his apartment. I ring the bell & the phone, and finally text his sister. She somehow hears her phone and lets me in. The next morning I hear noise from her bedroom, I text her, “You ok? Can’t tell if laughing or crying thru walls.” She catches me in the living room, “Definitely laughing!”

What is family?

Athena’s Wish List

It’s been a year since I joined the kink community. A year ago, I walked into happy hour at Delirium. I was so nervous, but I threw myself into the fray, introducing myself, meeting all kinds of interesting and wonderful people, and feeling absolutely electric on the bart ride home. Incidentally, this was also the year that I realized I’ve made the transition from introvert —> strong extravert!

The best thing about the kink community is the people. I can’t tell you how overwhelmed with gratitude I feel at finding a home among the kinkfolk. I remember feeling apprehensive, even frightened, of “falling down the rabbit hole” – without the certainty that I’d be able to climb back out.

I’ve learned so much about myself in the past year… but I find that what I’d really like to think about/talk about/realize is what I still want to learn! And all the ways in which I can still challenge myself! When I first got into the scene I had lots of ideas about what I wanted to do and try… but more than that, I didn’t have many preconceived notions about the way kink is “supposed to” work. I want to explore that, more.

It’s hard for me to talk about what I want. It’s hard for me to ask for what I want. I have a ridiculously high sex drive which I used to loathe. My sex drive takes away my sexual agency. I don’t often initiate sex, even though I actually have no trouble/enjoy initiating sex… because the frequency with which I would do it would be too much for most people. I worry that my sex drive is a burden to my partners. I worry that they feel a sense of pressure to obligate me, to fulfill my needs, that it takes away from the mutuality and delight that good sex should have. And so I wait. I am quiet. I take sex when it is offered to me, and I am grateful. But the fear of wanting, asking, needing too much remains.

I want to change that. I don’t want to see my sex drive, and, by extension, the things that I want to explore, as a burden. I want to celebrate these things about myself. I want to find creative ways to indulge. I want to be curious, and I want to ask.

And so, in that spirit, a non-ordered, anxiety-provoking, and honest examination of things that I like/want to explore, presented without expectation but open to commentary/discussion:

  • A kitty (or fox?) tail. Yes. I identify as a kitty, and though it’s not really a part of my sexual identity or play, I have so much fun with it!
  • Plugs in general. Never tried them. Too embarrassed to ask. I especially like the idea of wearing one all day in preparation/remembrance of a partner.
  • Sexual objectification. I love being the meat in my sadist sandwich (Sharon & Helo). I feel cherished and objectified and it’s super sexy! Other ways this plays out are being offered to others by my close partners or lovers for their sexual gratification/use.
  • Dressing up for someone else’s pleasure, such a turn on.
  • role play? I’m not sure if I can get into this. I have several role-play type fantasies but have trouble imagining how those would play out irl. Interestingly enough, what little interest I have in age-play appears here. ~age 15-16. Most notably: 1) school-girl. Something about being the slutty school-girl who gets caught sucking cock/eating pussy and is disciplined by the professor (in all her holes!) …but we know she really wants to be a good girl. 2) incest roleplay. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. Most notably brother/sister (sibling), though I have a new and vague interest in exploring daddy/daughter. Again the theme is of the slutty little sister whose sexuality can’t be controlled so (jealous?) big brother has to take things in hand… I think this was my teenage brain’s way of slut-shaming and I’ve turned it on it’s head and made it extremely hot?
  • Really hurting someone.
  • Making a girl cry.
  • Women. I am attracted to women/feminine energy but often get lost in the initiation department. I am afraid to be too aggressive (a problem I don’t have with men) and I am not particularly oral sex oriented (with an important exception). At this time in my life I am more interested in penetration, with either women or men. That means strap-ons! Except again, too nervous to try or ask about, and I want to give and receive!
  • D/s. this one I’m still figuring out. There are things I like and things I definitely do not like, and I’m still collecting data. Doing the dishes and getting coffee for my lover? Hot! Punishment and having my decisions/ criticized? Not hot! However, power exchange still remains one of my hottest turn-ons, and I love that I continue to discover new things I wouldn’t have expected to be sexy… like going to the gym when I’m told, or taking off shoes without using my hands.
  • service submission. I like to do this. Didn’t see that coming, but putting a hint of sexy into doing laundry, getting someone a drink, or cooking dinner makes those activities extremely enjoyable. And it’s not just the sexual component, there’s a non-sexual deep pleasure I taking in seeing to someone else’s needs. This only seems to apply to the bread of my sadist sandwich, though ;)
  • oral sex as servicing – this plays into my sexual objectification kink AND my service submission kink. It’s actually something I fantasize about a lot but have an awful time asking for (so much hotter if I’m told to do it).
  • a fight for control/dominance that isn’t predetermined.
  • mutual sadomasochistic sex.
  • finding ways to use my sex drive to my advantage – fun rules or games that won’t exhaust or pressure my lovers but acknowledge/utilize my sexuality.
  • exploring verbal control over someone – meaning not physically forcing them but telling them what they’re going to do and receiving obedience.

…to be continued, I’m sure!