It’s been a year since I joined the kink community. A year ago, I walked into happy hour at Delirium. I was so nervous, but I threw myself into the fray, introducing myself, meeting all kinds of interesting and wonderful people, and feeling absolutely electric on the bart ride home. Incidentally, this was also the year that I realized I’ve made the transition from introvert —> strong extravert!
The best thing about the kink community is the people. I can’t tell you how overwhelmed with gratitude I feel at finding a home among the kinkfolk. I remember feeling apprehensive, even frightened, of “falling down the rabbit hole” – without the certainty that I’d be able to climb back out.
I’ve learned so much about myself in the past year… but I find that what I’d really like to think about/talk about/realize is what I still want to learn! And all the ways in which I can still challenge myself! When I first got into the scene I had lots of ideas about what I wanted to do and try… but more than that, I didn’t have many preconceived notions about the way kink is “supposed to” work. I want to explore that, more.
It’s hard for me to talk about what I want. It’s hard for me to ask for what I want. I have a ridiculously high sex drive which I used to loathe. My sex drive takes away my sexual agency. I don’t often initiate sex, even though I actually have no trouble/enjoy initiating sex… because the frequency with which I would do it would be too much for most people. I worry that my sex drive is a burden to my partners. I worry that they feel a sense of pressure to obligate me, to fulfill my needs, that it takes away from the mutuality and delight that good sex should have. And so I wait. I am quiet. I take sex when it is offered to me, and I am grateful. But the fear of wanting, asking, needing too much remains.
I want to change that. I don’t want to see my sex drive, and, by extension, the things that I want to explore, as a burden. I want to celebrate these things about myself. I want to find creative ways to indulge. I want to be curious, and I want to ask.
And so, in that spirit, a non-ordered, anxiety-provoking, and honest examination of things that I like/want to explore, presented without expectation but open to commentary/discussion:
- A kitty (or fox?) tail. Yes. I identify as a kitty, and though it’s not really a part of my sexual identity or play, I have so much fun with it!
- Plugs in general. Never tried them. Too embarrassed to ask. I especially like the idea of wearing one all day in preparation/remembrance of a partner.
- Sexual objectification. I love being the meat in my sadist sandwich (Sharon & Helo). I feel cherished and objectified and it’s super sexy! Other ways this plays out are being offered to others by my close partners or lovers for their sexual gratification/use.
- Dressing up for someone else’s pleasure, such a turn on.
- role play? I’m not sure if I can get into this. I have several role-play type fantasies but have trouble imagining how those would play out irl. Interestingly enough, what little interest I have in age-play appears here. ~age 15-16. Most notably: 1) school-girl. Something about being the slutty school-girl who gets caught sucking cock/eating pussy and is disciplined by the professor (in all her holes!) …but we know she really wants to be a good girl. 2) incest roleplay. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. Most notably brother/sister (sibling), though I have a new and vague interest in exploring daddy/daughter. Again the theme is of the slutty little sister whose sexuality can’t be controlled so (jealous?) big brother has to take things in hand… I think this was my teenage brain’s way of slut-shaming and I’ve turned it on it’s head and made it extremely hot?
- Really hurting someone.
- Making a girl cry.
- Women. I am attracted to women/feminine energy but often get lost in the initiation department. I am afraid to be too aggressive (a problem I don’t have with men) and I am not particularly oral sex oriented (with an important exception). At this time in my life I am more interested in penetration, with either women or men. That means strap-ons! Except again, too nervous to try or ask about, and I want to give and receive!
- D/s. this one I’m still figuring out. There are things I like and things I definitely do not like, and I’m still collecting data. Doing the dishes and getting coffee for my lover? Hot! Punishment and having my decisions/ criticized? Not hot! However, power exchange still remains one of my hottest turn-ons, and I love that I continue to discover new things I wouldn’t have expected to be sexy… like going to the gym when I’m told, or taking off shoes without using my hands.
- service submission. I like to do this. Didn’t see that coming, but putting a hint of sexy into doing laundry, getting someone a drink, or cooking dinner makes those activities extremely enjoyable. And it’s not just the sexual component, there’s a non-sexual deep pleasure I taking in seeing to someone else’s needs. This only seems to apply to the bread of my sadist sandwich, though ;)
- oral sex as servicing – this plays into my sexual objectification kink AND my service submission kink. It’s actually something I fantasize about a lot but have an awful time asking for (so much hotter if I’m told to do it).
- a fight for control/dominance that isn’t predetermined.
- mutual sadomasochistic sex.
- finding ways to use my sex drive to my advantage – fun rules or games that won’t exhaust or pressure my lovers but acknowledge/utilize my sexuality.
- exploring verbal control over someone – meaning not physically forcing them but telling them what they’re going to do and receiving obedience.
…to be continued, I’m sure!